Why exes are meant to be exes

So after many many months of thinking about it, being depressed over it, crying over it, and even praying over it….finally worked myself upto the point where i felt comfortable enough asking the ex if he wanted to give it one more shot.  I thought about it long and hard to make sure it wasnt just a phase, but for many reasons I realised that breaking up with him and doing things during our relationship to screw it up would be one of the major regrets of my life if i didnt do something to fix it….

So it all sounds nice and inspiring right….i asked him if we could meet up, he immediately agreed…I also knew that he had just got out of a broken engagement so maybe the timing wasnt perfect, but I did want to speak to him when I knew for sure he wasnt seriously interested in anyone else…I mean there is no point in setting myself up for rejection right from the start right?

Anyways…had the chat….the nicest chat I have had in a long time…3 hours…a few beers…deep meaningful conversation…he said he had considered getting back together with me tooo…and we talked about the mistakes we made….hugged when leaving and he emotionally said he missed ‘this’….I didnt want to pressure him so told him to take his time and make a decision….2 days later i got the calll…he didnt want to try again…..

I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach….it felt like breaking up all over again….i was trying not to get my hopes up….and if he had said no when we met up I guess I could have dealt with it….but the fact that our chat went so very well, he was as sweet as he always was….he looked at me the way he used to…..and then this….he had valid reasons, said he felt he would be using me if he dated me at this point after just breaking up with someone else….i tried to be adult about it and accept his decision, but couldnt help asking him if he was sure more than a few times…..

so now…I am devastated…it feels like breaking up all over again….after our chat, i could imagine us doing stuff together again, being together, just sitting together comfortably….watching movies….just driving around…..and this just broke my heart….i feel like i totally messed up by not putting the effort I should have into this relationship the first time, and now i have to live with the regret for the rest of my life….it sucks….it really really sucks….

i had always been very proud of the fact that I had no regrets in my life….but this seems to be the big one….the mother of all regrets….

now i am stuck…alone…with absolutely no interest in any other man….longing for this man, who without a doubt is not perfect….but i was so ready to be there for him…to help him through his craziness…and he doesnt want me….it hurts….

Im wondering if i read the signals all wrong…also wondering what it is about me that has made rejection so common all of a suden…i used to be the rejecter….not the rejectee!!!

Im alone and i hate it i hate it i hate it.

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