So after many many months of thinking about it, being depressed over it, crying over it, and even praying over it….finally worked myself upto the point where i felt comfortable enough asking the ex if he wanted to give it one more shot. I thought about it long and hard to make sure it wasnt just a phase, but for many reasons I realised that breaking up with him and doing things during our relationship to screw it up would be one of the major regrets of my life if i didnt do something to fix it….
So it all sounds nice and inspiring right….i asked him if we could meet up, he immediately agreed…I also knew that he had just got out of a broken engagement so maybe the timing wasnt perfect, but I did want to speak to him when I knew for sure he wasnt seriously interested in anyone else…I mean there is no point in setting myself up for rejection right from the start right?
Anyways…had the chat….the nicest chat I have had in a long time…3 hours…a few beers…deep meaningful conversation…he said he had considered getting back together with me tooo…and we talked about the mistakes we made….hugged when leaving and he emotionally said he missed ‘this’….I didnt want to pressure him so told him to take his time and make a decision….2 days later i got the calll…he didnt want to try again…..
I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach….it felt like breaking up all over again….i was trying not to get my hopes up….and if he had said no when we met up I guess I could have dealt with it….but the fact that our chat went so very well, he was as sweet as he always was….he looked at me the way he used to…..and then this….he had valid reasons, said he felt he would be using me if he dated me at this point after just breaking up with someone else….i tried to be adult about it and accept his decision, but couldnt help asking him if he was sure more than a few times…..
so now…I am devastated…it feels like breaking up all over again….after our chat, i could imagine us doing stuff together again, being together, just sitting together comfortably….watching movies….just driving around…..and this just broke my heart….i feel like i totally messed up by not putting the effort I should have into this relationship the first time, and now i have to live with the regret for the rest of my life….it sucks….it really really sucks….
i had always been very proud of the fact that I had no regrets in my life….but this seems to be the big one….the mother of all regrets….
now i am stuck…alone…with absolutely no interest in any other man….longing for this man, who without a doubt is not perfect….but i was so ready to be there for him…to help him through his craziness…and he doesnt want me….it hurts….
Im wondering if i read the signals all wrong…also wondering what it is about me that has made rejection so common all of a suden…i used to be the rejecter….not the rejectee!!!
Im alone and i hate it i hate it i hate it.
So I can see myself slowly slipping into a place I dont really want to be in. Sad and depressed . Nothing major happened – just fed up of everything being the same today as it was last year and the year before. Same job, no significant romantic interest, havent learn anything new in awhile….and just basically stuck in a rut. I know i know I need to stop moaning about it and do something – but seriously, what are the options out there? Anyone? I am open to suggestions. I have looked around…Tried joining a volunteer group – but they didnt do much apart from sit around watching the match and talking of things. Help? Someone ? Desperately looking for ideas!
Almost 3 months past my 30th birthday – and what have I achieved? Nothing much… 😦 I am bored bored bored bored.
Started the year off with loads of hope – potential promotion at work, a friend of a friend who was going to be introduced to me and was supposed to be perfect for me; and the prospect of volunteering.
The promotion – was told last week that althought I had been promised certain things, it wasnt going to happen now and if it all the promotion did happen, it would be towards the end of this year or even next year. This, despite the fact that I was performiong higher than expected in my new role and there was no valid reason for me not to get it.
The guy – he is a good friend of a friend of mine who thought we would be perfect for each other. We were introduced online, exchanged a couple of mails and then finally met up. I did not have any expectations and since I tend to be rather cynical about this kind of thing – was expecting to hate the guy – but instead I quite liked him and had a really interesting conversation. The niest thing was that he even called half hour after we left to check if I got home safe. Which totally made me think he liked me too. But then – complete silence….so being a woman of this age, I initiated a text telling him I had fun and if he felt the same, we shoudl meet again….he repleid back immediately saying the same and how much fun he had…but he also said he was going to be busy for the enxt couple of weeks…and absolutely no news since then 😦 😦
So that absolutely SUCKS…..I have never been the kind of woman who falls for every man she meets… and in fact, have not liked any man i met in the past 2 years. But this guy i liked and he is not cute or anything – he just seemed like a nice person and speaks my language and seemed like someone I could click with…but he doesnt seem to like me….how ****ED UP is that!!!!!
So glad I have this space – cos I am usually supposed to be the positive energetic one and cant really tell my friends how alone and defeated I feel….
Its been a year since I started this blog and I am in two minds. Part of me is really glad I started this as its something i wanted to do for awhile. The other part wants to kick my ass – as I dont think I have done half as much with the blog as I planned to. There were supposed to be weekly updates, emotions, shared views….whereas I think I just ended up using it as a place to vent. Which I guess its ok – as I did write something.
Although single and feeling a bit lonely these days, Christmas was turning out to be kind of ok ; and last week I heard that my recent ex is madly in love and going to be engaged soon. Enter craziness into my life! He is a really nice guy, the nicest I have ever met, and I so dont want him back and truly wish him all the best….we even managed to stay friends all this time…but the moment I heard this news, its like all thoughts of charity and goodwill just flew out of my head. I was just plain jealous. Not jealous of their relationship or of his new girlfriend, but just jealous that he ‘found someone’ first…jealous that he is happy at Christmas time and I am alone…jealous that things have changed for him and nothing much has changed for me….just jealous…I have never been a posessive person and I never thought of myself as a mean person…but the way I reacted to this news was just so selfish and awful…I think my reaction made me sadder than the actual news I was reacting to!!
So this is why im glad I have this blog….I can admit to things my ego would usually not let me to…
Does anyone out there know what it feels like to go out and have tons of fun, then come back home and feel so low like you have never felt before?
I dont know how to explain it; and I have a funny feeling it must be all chemical related….but its amazing how low you can go after being on a natural high for hours and hours…
Maybe its got to do with coming home alone…when everyone elase either gets someone coming to pick them up and drop them home.
Is it loneliness…or I hate to say this…jealousy…..i bitch about them; but at the end of the day I want what they have?
Yes I have been thinking it, worrying about it, pondering over it, talking about it…but the one thing I havent done is to get off my ass and do something about it!!! I need a change! I need change! And I need one NOW!
Got my 30th bday approaching in 6 months and I am freaking out. This year was supposed to be my year of enlightenment, the year of possibilities…the year of new things…or at least where I succeeded in redefining my life and what I want from it….but guess what…7 months have almost passed by and I have done nothing, zilch, nada….it does not feel good…i dont like this….but i dont know what to do!
I have a job…a ‘good’ one in lankan terms I guess and I know I have so much to be thankful for, and believe me I am..I am thankful every day for all of the good things in my life….but I want a job that Im passionate about…something that makes me feel or care…I think I need to be in hr or some form of psychology….but I dont know how to get there…do i give up this job and start from the beginning in a new field….i cant exactly afford to do that ….do i start studying something new…yes, that seems to be more feasible….
Another thing I felt I really needed to do is get involved…right now I dont do much apart from work , home, work home…….I would love to get involved with volunteering in some form…not at a desk doing admin things…but working with children or elders…I have looked in the papers and online but cant seem to find any volunteer opportunities…although Im sure sri lanka must have loads? If anyone reading this knows of any – please do let me know?
When I was 21 – I thought Id have it all sorted and settled by the time I hit 26; who could have thought I would get it so wrong! Im 29 now, and outwardly successful but feel like Im missing a really big part of the puzzle. The killer is – i dont even know which piece I am missing…is this normal ? Do other people feel this way too? My brain tells me there must be other people out there who are going through the same thing. But everywhere I go I just seem to see young single people who are so happy with their lives and dont seem to want for anything. I know that probably is not true – and at least a few of them must be as messed up inside as I am…..
I havent had the urge to write here in a very long time. Realized that I think of this as some kind of journal. The anonymity helps. And the resulting comments – interesting!
The last 3 months have been crazy. I was bored awith life and relationships – and met this man who thought the same as me – and we decided to have a 2 week committed fling! What this means is that we both knew we had no relationship future ( for certain reasons) but we would be committed to each other for the 2 weeks we signed up for. So it was a brilliant 2 weeks – we both talked so much, more than either of us had in years. And strangely we trusted each other so much that the most intimate of stores were shared. The two weeks came to an end – and we made a decision to stay friends ( with benefits) and to contact each other when eiether of us felt the benefits were required!
Things didnt exactly go according to plan though…we ended up staying in touch…calling each other constantly…and although we had separate lives, the intense conversations led to us being aware of every detail in each other’s lives….it was like being 16 again…calling to say good morning, texting to say good night….keeping in touch during the day….keeping each other informed of our whereabouts….explaining why one had to go out for a drink on a particular night!
Reality hit this weekend – when we both realised we were getting way closer than we should…and this was becoming something way more than jut friends with benefits! So – the decision was made to stop the intense personal-ness of conversations, in order to ensure we have a friendship to build up on in future. We didnt want the intesntiy to get to such a level that it peaked and it ended up with one or the both of us getting so hurt that we didnt wnat to stay in touch anymore…
I dont regret anything that has happened…spending the last couple of months with this person made me really happy, and I am so glad that he came into my life. It is sad that we now have to make a conscious effort NOT to stay in touch – but I know it is for the best…and I would rather do this than not have him in my life in future as a friend…the open honest friendship we shared was the defining factor for us….
So from tomorrow – the phone is not going to be ringing incessantly, I am not going to wear my fingers out sending a million text messages.
Am I sad? I dont know. i was sad yesterday. shed a couple of tears on his shoulder actually, which I hope he didnt see! Expected to wake up today with the familiar feeling of apprehension which usually follows such things – but woke up feeling surprisingly light headed and emotionless….which I think is a good thing…need to make a effort not to let myself get low again… I think I can do it….I have to…..
Ive been browsing the Galle Lit Festival website and it seems like this time’s festival is going to be so great. I am dying to go but have no friends who are interested in this kind of thing and so am seriously comtemplating going on my own…Just wondering if anyone out there has ideas on where to stay and how to make the best of the festival on a budget?
Yes! YES! yES! The sun’s out and it is Sunday, can things get any better? Im not sure if it is the sun or the positive thinking book Im reading but I feel good for no apparent reason! This is nice. i am going to enjoy this while it lasts!
Its funny how yesterday I woke up after a night of of partying and I think I was still high – so I found myself dancing in front of the mirror to the tunes in my head….no I havent lost it…Ijust love to dance and I dont ever want to stop! I am really feeling the after effects today though cos my legs are all cramped up and I am walking around the house like a 75 year old arthritic! Not fun, but the fun I had is worth the pain I guess….
Going for the symphony orchestra Christmas concert tonight which should further enhance the endorphin level…looking forward to that….
Just remembered that I gave myself until the 31st of december to come up with a plan for myself..which gives me 18 days and not too much time….I will not be working the last 10 days of the year, so hopefully I will be able to concentrate on myself for at least a couple of those days and figure out the plan….
Partied last night after a very long time – and we partied like it was 1969….or should I be saying 2009! I had initially decided to have an early night and leave by 2 but ended up staying on the dancefloor for 6 hours and got home only in the morning. its been awhile since I found myself in a cab heading home while I could see people standing at the bus stands on their way to work. I think I am too old for this now …I couldnt even sleep late and woke up after 4 hours of sleep and kinda of lazed around in a daze the entire day…..this was supposed to be an interesting blog but this post is sounding extremely boring and I cant figure out what to do so I think I should just stop now….
28strawberrygirl's Blog 